February 9, 2007

• FRIDAY BIATCHES

  It's finally Friday and what I'll be doing is telling you a piece of my totally insecure self. Why? Because I can and I like to write in this thing called a diary. (I'm so girly tee hee hee)

  I was talking to Zon yesterday about how likely a person would go up and start talking to a total stranger. He says that he'd find it difficult and Aditya only does that in clubs. I find myself thinking back on when I would talk to someone that I totally did not know. It's not that I'm outgoing and it's not that I'm extra friendly. I'm actually insecure.

  

  The two sides of me

  Wait, what? Haha, let me explain. I have two sides of me that are most distinct when I'm out in public. The side that thinks every person is criticizing everything that is the being of me.

  And then there's the side that doesn't give a fuck because that inner insecure side of me backs me up against a wall and until I get numb in the head and dumb in the brain.  That's when I do silly things that I'd never do when I'm sane. Like talking to a stranger that happened to sit down next to me. (And Giao, if you remember this, this is how we met the second time on that bus home. )

  

  

  The Rollercoaster Ride

  But that insecure side of me comes up often when I really like a person. Questions come up like, "What does this person think of me?"

  And it really gets to me. When I talk to that person, and it seems as if they're hinting that they like me, I feverishly think, "Was that about me? Nah, can't be. Was that about me? Nah, can't be. Wait, what if it is? What if it's not? What am I doing? Huh, 2 minutes passed? Just laugh. Hahahaha. Not in your head idiot!"

  And sometimes I'd just sit their smirking because I'm laughing in my head to try and fend off my insecurities.

  Then the I-don't-care-what-I-do-because-I-can't-sink-any-lower attitude crops up. However, instead it only lasts for at most a day, and then I wake up and we're back at the grind again.

  But then I come to the realization that nothing's progressed and then I finally realize it's not about me and that I'm in the friend zone.

  And it's just like that. The end of the roller coaster ride and you're sick to your stomach and you think, "How pathetic. Why did you even care in the first place?"

  

  And then I go on a sabbatical swearing off women for the rest of my life. Or at least a couple of days.

  

  And then I find someone else that comes along to start the whole roller coaster ride again.

  

  Or so I think... yes, no, maybe so? Oh, you tease.

  • 7:11 am
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